More Than Just Going Thru the Motions?

These days hypo and hyperarousal are still bad. You try to get enough sleep at night, eat right, exercise and do all the right things. And then every morning you have to scream and jump out of bed to wake up. Then later the opposite happens (hypoarousal). Everything is a big battle.

And a big part of it right now is balancing PTSD recovery with finding the new job and more. I want to move this fall for better opportunities overall. And with no dissociating there's lots of fear. One of my biggest is that having horrible PTSD for so long totally robbed me of any chance of doing what I'd like to do. I know that it hasn't reached that point yet. But there's the rational side of you and then there's the emotional side as well.

I've been homeless twice due to PTSD and will never be again. I hope it doesn't come down to selling everything and just going. I've done that twice before, and both times I found a new job. So I KNOW that I can do that. But both of those jobs were worse than the previous ones. Which naturally made PTSD even worse.

Now it feels like it's always something to deal with. The anger is still there at feeling ripped off and treated like s**t for so long. Then there's the collective grief from me and the other 25 multiple personalities. I go thru the motions but at times feel really empty. And I'm scared sometimes that it will always be like this?

How Do You Cope?

Back to a tough morning. Really bad hyperarousal and now hypoarousal. Everything feels like a struggle. There's dissociating that's hard to fight and it just feels like a huge drain.

Sometimes I'm really scared. Are you scarred for life if you have severe PTSD? One minute you feel like you can concentrate. Then suddenly dissociating starts and trying to ground yourself again doesn't work. What do you do now? You're trying to have a good day and actually get things done. But then this happens and it takes an hour to focus again. Or maybe you go out somewhere and you have to turn back and go home because dissociating is so bad. You'd like just one day when you can be free of all this s**t. But I wonder if that will ever happen?

Finally a Break?

First day of summer and things are acutally a little better for a change. Still have all the usual PTSD problems. But there's a little less feeling of being burned out? Hope this lasts for a while.

Not Sure What To Do

Everything feels really empty today. Still have all the PTSD problems (dissociating, flashbacks, nightmares, adrenalin surges). But it's like you're just there and there's nothing. You're not sure what to do or what to say. We'll see what happens.

How Do You Shake This?

It's a real struggle today. Got no sleep at all last night. And today it's like NOBODY has gluten free food. If health food is good for you then why is it twice as expensive? Still haven't figured it out.

Everything really feels raw today. Last night I thought about some old relationships. Many either didn't want to listen or try to understand about PTSD. When I meet sombody new I still have a tendency to have my fears get to me. Will they understand when the time is right to talk about PTSD? Maybe that's jumping the gun. Then again based on past experience that's hard to keep in mind to not worry.

Also had lots of nightmares last night about being raped. You're trapped like a f*****g animal and have nowhere to run to. And then you wonder, if I get killed will anybody care? Hopefully now that will never happen. But when it does happen to you that terror never goes away.

Raw PTSD Stuff

NOTE: This blog contains strong language and various PTSD triggers that could be harmful to PTSD victims/survivors. If these bother you please stop reading now. Otherwise keep going and thanks for your support. Email to ptsdsurvivor@yahoo.com

It's almost one week into the new gluten-free diet. Has it helped some with PTSD symptoms (dissociating, adrenalin surges and others)? Somewhat. But the bad part is if you don't dissociate then you literally feel like what is there?

You're always on guard and feel like something's just around the corner. Something is going to happen to f**k up any feeling of happiness you may have that particular day. Maybe you're thinking, but no dissociating is a good thing. Why is that hard to handle? It's tough because imagine it's a survival tool that you use 24/7 for 35 years. Every single day is a non-stop battle to deal with this and somehow get thru the day. You lose job, relationships, and people give you non-stop s**t. And what's worse? One, many of these people laugh in your face and just don't f*****g care. Two, after a period of time it becomes second nature (does that make sense?).

Then suddenly you start the proper therapy, diet and overall routine to help yourself heal. Suddenly that "security" is gone. And then you think, what do I do now? Every day there's terror and a feeling that something's going to happen. Something's going to f**k this up. And then what do you do when you literally feel like there's nothing?

Yesterday I was thinking about finding the new job, moving on and more. I thought, what if I just go? Scan all the important stuff into my PC, sell the rest, pack up my car and just drive? Where would I go? I've been homeless twice and done my time in business hotels, temporary apartments I had to lie to get into, crashing at friend's places, etc. If you go and you find a new place that's one thing. But experience has shown what if you don't? Where do I go then? And NOT feel like PTSD has totally f****d up any chance of doing what I want to do.

My therapist says that over time you move past this. But sometimes I really wonder....

Trying to Keep a Balance

It's Day 2 of the gluten-free diet. It's weird not having anything with wheat (among other things). But if it will help deal better with PTSD symptoms it's worth it.

Lots of pressures at the moment. PTSD, looking for a better job, wanting to move onto better opportunities. And lots of anger at various people that treated me like s**t. My therapist says that eventually you'll heal past that. But that's really hard to remember right now.

Good news. Feel free to email me with comments, questions, etc. However, all email with attachments will be deleted. Hope you understand. ptsdsurvivor@yahoo.com .