Friday, July 13, 2007

Very Rough TIme

Today's been a REAL BATTLE. Got practically no sleep last night which made all my PTSD symptoms flare up. Then EVERYTHING took a HUGE amount of energy. my fight-or-flight response is still stuck and that really slows things down. A small action (like don't listen or do that) takes forever to get thru.

My fears are hard to handle at times. The PTSD was so bad that it royally f****d me out of a lot of important things that most people take for granted. Your senior prom. Lots of hot relationships. Not getting left behind others (in personal and business things). The PTSD makes you feel like you're watching your body from the outside. You know that something's wrong. But no matter how hard you try nobody listens to you and nobody cares. Then sometimes you think; will it always be like this? Am I always going to be cheated out of what's important to me and what makes me happy? Then if you try to share your concern with someone else the response is f**k off. Nobody gives a s**t about you. You see people (family, maybe some friends) that you think will be there for you. But it doesn't happen. And then you feel like, do I have a family at all? Am I a f*****g orphan in the world?

My therapist says that because your PTSD has been so severe, now you have the flip side of it. Sometimes the anger and stress is so bad I worry. Am I going to snap? It's like Jack Nicholsen walking down the street in "The Last Detail." F*************************K!!!!!!!!! Am I going to disappear and then one of my multiples (or maybe more than one?) will take over? I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. In the morning I scream and try to force myself to fight thru the hyperarousal. Then later when I finally feel awake the hypoarousal starts. And it's like an endless cycle. I still have the physical flashbacks of getting b**t f****d in the ass over and over. And nobody is there to help and nobody gives a s**t. What if I get raped AND killed? Would you THEN give a shit?

Am I always going to have to have multiple personality conference meetings? It helps but after a certain point you have to say enough. But in the meantime if you try to talk about it to others (family or a handful of friends) nobody has patience for it. It freaks me out. So just shut up. I'm f*****g dying here and have freaking horrible P**D! I need help! But nobody cares because it's YOUR fault. You f****d up. So goddamnit fix it! Don't expect any sympathy from me for your freaky pathetic s**t. I don't have the time or patience for it. So f**k off.

Sometimes I just sit and cry because I don't know what else to do.

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