Sunday, August 12, 2007

Time to Catch Up

NOTE: This blog contains graphic language and occasional PTSD "triggers"(things that could potentially trigger a survivor's symptoms). If this bothers you then please stop reading. Otherwise thanks and continue.

Sorry for the break. It's been busy with a lot of stuff. EMDR/cognitive session, looking for the new job. Dealing with brutal PTSD symptoms (hyper and hypoarousal, dissociating, physical flashbacks and more). And it's a rough cycle to deal with.

Lately hyperarousal is really nasty in the morning. I end up screaming and fighting to wake up and focus. After that hypoarousal and the other stuff kicks in. My therapist says that unfortunately it's going to get worse before it gets better. Big surprise :)? If I go out into a crowded place everything is magnified X100. Every sound, sight, phrase and noise makes me think, am I going to be jumped? What do I do? I'm really fighting dissociating hard because if I don't, I feel like I'm going to disappear. Time gets altered and you feel like you're watching outside your own body (common PTSD symptoms).

I still have A LOT OF ANGER at various people that treated me like s**t. The physical flashbacks of being raped again still come at the worst times. It's really scary when you're in a crowded place and this happens. You try to ground yourself and say, I'm safe. This isn't real. But sometimes no matter how hard you try this it doesn't work. And if there's no place to temporarily escape, what do you do then?

Hyper-sharp intuition is a common thing for survivors to have. My prediction percentage isn't perfect. But it has gotten better. Sometimes I listen to someone talk and it's like a movie with subititles. I hear words but emotionally it's different. And if somebody's trying to screw me over for whatever reason I have to fight the urge to say DON'T WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR S**T!

Triggers are everywhere and I have to constantly edit everything so they don't mess the day up. I keep thinking, am I ALWAYS going to have this? Sometimes people ask me about the m****rf****r that raped me. What would you do if you saw him again?

I'd tie him up in a chair and bring in a gun (unloaded, but he doesn't know that). I'd make him f*****g beg for his life. I'd push him as far as possible. Then, when he thought that he was going to die I'd make him beg for his life. Then I'd say sorry and stick the gun in his mouth. Just for that split second of f*****g terror MAYBE he'd come close to feeling a LITTLE of the 35 years of s**t I've gone and continue to go thru.

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