A lot is happening

NOTE: This blog contains graphic references or "triggers" that might be uspsetting to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, please stop reading now. Otherwise keep going and thanks for checking it out.

Long time no post, eh? Sorry for the long break. It's been busy with dealing with symptoms, looking for the new job and more.

I still have all the PTSD symptoms: hyperarousal, hyperarousal, dissociating, adrenalin surges and more. I do lots of holistic things (exercise, more sleep, no gluten, etc.). But I STILL get hammered with these EVERY DAY. Lately it takes most of the morning to fight my way out of the hyperarousal and feel like I'm "focusing" on what's going on around me. Imagine a music sample in your head that you can't turn off, no matter what you do. Then FINALLY when you feel awake, hypoarousal starts. Now at times there's horrible sadness and emptiness. My therapist says that this is the beginning of a new rough phase in dealing with 35 years of PTSD. I know I have things to do every day. But it takes A LOT of energy to get thru it.

The adrenalin surges strike at the worst times. I drive somewhere and try different ways to stay grounded. Then when I get out of my car I have to literally fight and focus. Otherwise the adrenalin surges are really bad. And then I feel like I have no sensation in my feet or legs. Imagine this happens EVERY time you get out of your car. Then the dissociating happens at the worswt times. At times I feel like I'm going to disappear. Morphing happens and you have to fight hard to focus so you don't vanish. What happens if I do disappear? Will I come back? If I do what happened? Can you imagine blacking out. Then someone's pissed off at you because of something that you said. And you have no idea what they're talking about.

The emptiness is vicious and sometimes I think, will this ever end? My therapist talks about some people who have this near death sadness for years. Will that happen to me? The anger at all the a******s who treated me like s**t is still there. With some there's stupid f*****g pride that gets in the way of them acting like human beings and apologizing. For some people that's a fate worse than death. Just go away with your weird ass symptoms and YOU fix it. You don't treat people like that. So that's their loss. Now I don't care if that pisses them off. Or if they think I'm the biggest a*****e in the world. You had your chance to listen and you chose not to. So that's your loss and you'll have to live with that.

When the dissociating is really nasty I wonder, will I always have this? Why can't I have just one day with no symptoms? Triggers are everywhere and a huge pain in the ass to deal with. They can be anything. A noise, a note, a word, a color, anything that you can think of. Right now I have to be really careful. If one hits you it sometimes takes hours to get past that. A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is also a bitch. For others, a simple change of thoughts takes a second. For me, sometimes it takes literally hours to get past. How then do you deal with all of these symptoms and get on with the other things in life as well?

At times you think about life, your life and others' lives. Will you always have this? My therapist says no. But still being human you wonder. Sometimes the symptoms get so bad I just fall down and cry in frustration. Others don't have time or seem to care at all about this. In some f****d up disfunctional families we just don't talk about s**t like this. Ok, I'll go elsewhere.

I don't want to feel royally f****d over forever because of PTSD. Still, the symptoms get so bad that I just scream and punch out anything close by. I get in my car and punch out my dashboard. I get out of my car and EVERY m****rf*****g time I have to focus and fight HARD to not lose feeling in my legs. The physical flashbacks still hit hard and are a real bitch to fight. I know that I'm not really getting raped in the ass again. But the body doesn't realize that.

I really wish I could have just ONE day with no symptoms.