Very Rough TIme

Today's been a REAL BATTLE. Got practically no sleep last night which made all my PTSD symptoms flare up. Then EVERYTHING took a HUGE amount of energy. my fight-or-flight response is still stuck and that really slows things down. A small action (like don't listen or do that) takes forever to get thru.

My fears are hard to handle at times. The PTSD was so bad that it royally f****d me out of a lot of important things that most people take for granted. Your senior prom. Lots of hot relationships. Not getting left behind others (in personal and business things). The PTSD makes you feel like you're watching your body from the outside. You know that something's wrong. But no matter how hard you try nobody listens to you and nobody cares. Then sometimes you think; will it always be like this? Am I always going to be cheated out of what's important to me and what makes me happy? Then if you try to share your concern with someone else the response is f**k off. Nobody gives a s**t about you. You see people (family, maybe some friends) that you think will be there for you. But it doesn't happen. And then you feel like, do I have a family at all? Am I a f*****g orphan in the world?

My therapist says that because your PTSD has been so severe, now you have the flip side of it. Sometimes the anger and stress is so bad I worry. Am I going to snap? It's like Jack Nicholsen walking down the street in "The Last Detail." F*************************K!!!!!!!!! Am I going to disappear and then one of my multiples (or maybe more than one?) will take over? I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. In the morning I scream and try to force myself to fight thru the hyperarousal. Then later when I finally feel awake the hypoarousal starts. And it's like an endless cycle. I still have the physical flashbacks of getting b**t f****d in the ass over and over. And nobody is there to help and nobody gives a s**t. What if I get raped AND killed? Would you THEN give a shit?

Am I always going to have to have multiple personality conference meetings? It helps but after a certain point you have to say enough. But in the meantime if you try to talk about it to others (family or a handful of friends) nobody has patience for it. It freaks me out. So just shut up. I'm f*****g dying here and have freaking horrible P**D! I need help! But nobody cares because it's YOUR fault. You f****d up. So goddamnit fix it! Don't expect any sympathy from me for your freaky pathetic s**t. I don't have the time or patience for it. So f**k off.

Sometimes I just sit and cry because I don't know what else to do.

Let's Talk About EMDR

Sorry to be away for a while. Busy with the new job search, dealing with PTSD symptoms and not letting my fears get to me. Hyper and hypoarousal are still big problems. I'm almost 3 weeks into the gluten free diet. It's helped some. But adrenalin surges are still a problem at the worst times.

But as promised a long time ago let's talk about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). There's a lot of ignorance about this and lack of effort from those qualified to do this. So let's clear this up.

In basic terms, EMDR is a way to release trauma (energy) that is trapped in different parts of your brain and body. This can be misdiagnosed as many different things. Over many years I was labeled as having everything from Tourette's to MS to schitzophrenia and more. It can also cause problems because you can feel like you're losing control over your body. You literally can lose feeling in different parts and feel like you're body is disappearing. My therapist recently told me that he's amazed that despite my horrible PTSD and the symptoms I have I'm still here.

When EMDR is used the therapist uses a light strip (think a strip of runway lights) in stages to talk about different areas of your trauma. It's not a drug trip or sinister in any way. Instead your following the light patterns with your eyes can help to begin to release the trauma. Is it an instant cure? No. How long does EMDR therapy take? It depends on how severe the trauma is.

I've been using it and cognitive (talk) therapy for almost three months now. Has it helped? In some ways yes. I'm starting to have a better understanding of overall how horrible PTSD and being raped repeatedly was. But once you stop avoiding years of trauma and abuse then suddenly the opposite happens. Now it's terrifying to not feel like you want to punch out everyone you meet. Everyday it's hyperarousal, hypoarousal and constant fighting to not feel like you're losing control of your body. Will I ever get over this? At times I'm not sure.

It's really sad that there's still a big therapist bias against using EMDR in many places. In my area I had to go thru 5 or 6 different people before I finally found someone who's EMDR qualified AND who actually listens to you. The others don't have the certification and can't be bothered with insurance hassles. Meanwhile before I found my current therapist I was battling all this stuff every day. Here in the States the government and some therapists only connect PTSD with vets. While they have a real PTSD problem there are many others who have it too. One estimate says that up to 60% of the U.S. population has PTSD, but either doesn't know it or refuses to deal with it. Also, with all the holistic things I do for my health, I STILL can't get health insurance from the major carriers because of "pre-existing" conditions WHICH I NO LONGER HAVE. So I'm being punished for being pro-active in my health care. Which you WOULD think would help to save money and improve the system overall. But the opposite is true.

I'm scared to go to sleep at night. If I'm lucky to get any sleep at all the nightmares happen. The flashbacks of being raped again come back. And then the next day the cycle keeps on going.

What Comes From Having PTSD?

When you have any condition like PTSD, keep in mind a few things. Everyone is diagnosed at different times. Everyone heals at different rates and has their own unique problems to deal with.

Now the opposite. Is it possible to have anything positive come out of PTSD? Some people say that it can help you to have better empathy for others. Frankly I can think of better ways to develop it. But one interesting thing that happens is that many survivors find that they have a much sharper psychic ability.

Don't worry about labels like psychic, medium, etc. Instead keep in mind that this is a documented thing that happens to many people. Why does it happen? Some theories say that the shock to your system overall makes you more aware. Others say that everybody has basic psychic ability. And as a result of healing from PTSD this increased empathy makes your psychic ability stronger.

At times this has been a blessing and a burden. I find that at times I'm listening to someone talk and I'm tuned in to what they're really thinking. So if it's several people at the same time it's like trying to watch 3 or 4 TV channels at the same time. At that point you just have to stop and work on shutting it off. I'm getting a little better at it.

Again, I don't worry about why it happens. Instead it's another thing to try and live with.

More Than Just Going Thru the Motions?

These days hypo and hyperarousal are still bad. You try to get enough sleep at night, eat right, exercise and do all the right things. And then every morning you have to scream and jump out of bed to wake up. Then later the opposite happens (hypoarousal). Everything is a big battle.

And a big part of it right now is balancing PTSD recovery with finding the new job and more. I want to move this fall for better opportunities overall. And with no dissociating there's lots of fear. One of my biggest is that having horrible PTSD for so long totally robbed me of any chance of doing what I'd like to do. I know that it hasn't reached that point yet. But there's the rational side of you and then there's the emotional side as well.

I've been homeless twice due to PTSD and will never be again. I hope it doesn't come down to selling everything and just going. I've done that twice before, and both times I found a new job. So I KNOW that I can do that. But both of those jobs were worse than the previous ones. Which naturally made PTSD even worse.

Now it feels like it's always something to deal with. The anger is still there at feeling ripped off and treated like s**t for so long. Then there's the collective grief from me and the other 25 multiple personalities. I go thru the motions but at times feel really empty. And I'm scared sometimes that it will always be like this?

How Do You Cope?

Back to a tough morning. Really bad hyperarousal and now hypoarousal. Everything feels like a struggle. There's dissociating that's hard to fight and it just feels like a huge drain.

Sometimes I'm really scared. Are you scarred for life if you have severe PTSD? One minute you feel like you can concentrate. Then suddenly dissociating starts and trying to ground yourself again doesn't work. What do you do now? You're trying to have a good day and actually get things done. But then this happens and it takes an hour to focus again. Or maybe you go out somewhere and you have to turn back and go home because dissociating is so bad. You'd like just one day when you can be free of all this s**t. But I wonder if that will ever happen?

Finally a Break?

First day of summer and things are acutally a little better for a change. Still have all the usual PTSD problems. But there's a little less feeling of being burned out? Hope this lasts for a while.

Not Sure What To Do

Everything feels really empty today. Still have all the PTSD problems (dissociating, flashbacks, nightmares, adrenalin surges). But it's like you're just there and there's nothing. You're not sure what to do or what to say. We'll see what happens.