Monday, June 25, 2007

More Than Just Going Thru the Motions?

These days hypo and hyperarousal are still bad. You try to get enough sleep at night, eat right, exercise and do all the right things. And then every morning you have to scream and jump out of bed to wake up. Then later the opposite happens (hypoarousal). Everything is a big battle.

And a big part of it right now is balancing PTSD recovery with finding the new job and more. I want to move this fall for better opportunities overall. And with no dissociating there's lots of fear. One of my biggest is that having horrible PTSD for so long totally robbed me of any chance of doing what I'd like to do. I know that it hasn't reached that point yet. But there's the rational side of you and then there's the emotional side as well.

I've been homeless twice due to PTSD and will never be again. I hope it doesn't come down to selling everything and just going. I've done that twice before, and both times I found a new job. So I KNOW that I can do that. But both of those jobs were worse than the previous ones. Which naturally made PTSD even worse.

Now it feels like it's always something to deal with. The anger is still there at feeling ripped off and treated like s**t for so long. Then there's the collective grief from me and the other 25 multiple personalities. I go thru the motions but at times feel really empty. And I'm scared sometimes that it will always be like this?

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