NOTE: This blog contains strong language and possible PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) triggers. If this bothers you stop reading now. Otherwise keep going and thanks for your support.
Went to another session today. More soon about what EMDR is: the myths, truths and the ignorance of some therapists who can't or won't use it. My therapist and I talked a lot about feeling beaten down all your life. Ongoing rapes. Trying to get help. No one has time to listen or help. Eventually you feel like you never had a family or real friends. Some people then use various drugs and other ways to try and cope. Fortunately for me I'm now drug free. The bad part? You have nothing to hide behind now.
I thought about going to get gluten blood tests done for Celiac Disease. I talked to some people online and did some research. To really get an accurate answer you need 5 tests and not one. Can't afford that, the doctor's appointments, the biopsy of your small intestine, etc. So instead I started the diet today. I'll do it for two weeks and see how I feel. Either I'll feel great and keep going with it. Or I'll stop and go back.
At the moment I'm thinking I'd keep going. There's some research that says gluten can aggrevate PTSD symptoms. What are some symptoms that it can't alleveate? The flashbacks to being raped. The humiliation of being treated like a f*****g piece of meat. Then while the sick m****rf****r who raped you kicks back after getting his rocks off you wonder what will happen to me? If this happens to you when you're a little kid, it only takes one time to permenantly scar you (both physically and mentally). Yes later on you can go through various therapy and learn some nice little coping mechanisms that may at times help you a little. But you NEVER EVER forget the abuse AND how literally everyone around you says it's YOUR fault so just go away. Don't be so f*****g sensitive. You're f*****g driving me crazy. Nobody gives a shit about what you think or what you feel. JUST SHUT THE F**K UP! Ok, so I'll just go away and won't disrupt your nice ever-so-busy life then? It's your fault AND you're not allowed to be a normal human being with perfectly normal feelings, fears and concerns.
I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive these assholes.