Sunday, June 17, 2007

Raw PTSD Stuff

NOTE: This blog contains strong language and various PTSD triggers that could be harmful to PTSD victims/survivors. If these bother you please stop reading now. Otherwise keep going and thanks for your support. Email to

It's almost one week into the new gluten-free diet. Has it helped some with PTSD symptoms (dissociating, adrenalin surges and others)? Somewhat. But the bad part is if you don't dissociate then you literally feel like what is there?

You're always on guard and feel like something's just around the corner. Something is going to happen to f**k up any feeling of happiness you may have that particular day. Maybe you're thinking, but no dissociating is a good thing. Why is that hard to handle? It's tough because imagine it's a survival tool that you use 24/7 for 35 years. Every single day is a non-stop battle to deal with this and somehow get thru the day. You lose job, relationships, and people give you non-stop s**t. And what's worse? One, many of these people laugh in your face and just don't f*****g care. Two, after a period of time it becomes second nature (does that make sense?).

Then suddenly you start the proper therapy, diet and overall routine to help yourself heal. Suddenly that "security" is gone. And then you think, what do I do now? Every day there's terror and a feeling that something's going to happen. Something's going to f**k this up. And then what do you do when you literally feel like there's nothing?

Yesterday I was thinking about finding the new job, moving on and more. I thought, what if I just go? Scan all the important stuff into my PC, sell the rest, pack up my car and just drive? Where would I go? I've been homeless twice and done my time in business hotels, temporary apartments I had to lie to get into, crashing at friend's places, etc. If you go and you find a new place that's one thing. But experience has shown what if you don't? Where do I go then? And NOT feel like PTSD has totally f****d up any chance of doing what I want to do.

My therapist says that over time you move past this. But sometimes I really wonder....

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