Symptoms Are Really Harsh Right Now

Every day I'm getting hit with the same symptoms. Hyperarousal, hyperarousal. Dissociating, adrenalin surges, flashbacks, physical muscle memory of being raped. There's lots of sadness and a horrible feeling of being totally cheated out of a lot of happiness. My therapist says that the big extremes will continue for a while. Is he right or is he guranteeing long-term business?

It seems right now that there's a lot of talk in the news about pedophiles. You would think that in a way it's good to get this out in the open. But from a survivor's point of view, not always. Some people actually think that it's funny in some weird way to talk about this. Unless you've been abused you'll NEVER understand why this is NOT funny.

I'm scared to go to sleep. Will I have more nightmares? Will I jump out of bed screaming in the middle of the night because of hyperarousal? What do I do then?

A lot is happening

NOTE: This blog contains graphic references or "triggers" that might be uspsetting to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, please stop reading now. Otherwise keep going and thanks for checking it out.

Long time no post, eh? Sorry for the long break. It's been busy with dealing with symptoms, looking for the new job and more.

I still have all the PTSD symptoms: hyperarousal, hyperarousal, dissociating, adrenalin surges and more. I do lots of holistic things (exercise, more sleep, no gluten, etc.). But I STILL get hammered with these EVERY DAY. Lately it takes most of the morning to fight my way out of the hyperarousal and feel like I'm "focusing" on what's going on around me. Imagine a music sample in your head that you can't turn off, no matter what you do. Then FINALLY when you feel awake, hypoarousal starts. Now at times there's horrible sadness and emptiness. My therapist says that this is the beginning of a new rough phase in dealing with 35 years of PTSD. I know I have things to do every day. But it takes A LOT of energy to get thru it.

The adrenalin surges strike at the worst times. I drive somewhere and try different ways to stay grounded. Then when I get out of my car I have to literally fight and focus. Otherwise the adrenalin surges are really bad. And then I feel like I have no sensation in my feet or legs. Imagine this happens EVERY time you get out of your car. Then the dissociating happens at the worswt times. At times I feel like I'm going to disappear. Morphing happens and you have to fight hard to focus so you don't vanish. What happens if I do disappear? Will I come back? If I do what happened? Can you imagine blacking out. Then someone's pissed off at you because of something that you said. And you have no idea what they're talking about.

The emptiness is vicious and sometimes I think, will this ever end? My therapist talks about some people who have this near death sadness for years. Will that happen to me? The anger at all the a******s who treated me like s**t is still there. With some there's stupid f*****g pride that gets in the way of them acting like human beings and apologizing. For some people that's a fate worse than death. Just go away with your weird ass symptoms and YOU fix it. You don't treat people like that. So that's their loss. Now I don't care if that pisses them off. Or if they think I'm the biggest a*****e in the world. You had your chance to listen and you chose not to. So that's your loss and you'll have to live with that.

When the dissociating is really nasty I wonder, will I always have this? Why can't I have just one day with no symptoms? Triggers are everywhere and a huge pain in the ass to deal with. They can be anything. A noise, a note, a word, a color, anything that you can think of. Right now I have to be really careful. If one hits you it sometimes takes hours to get past that. A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is also a bitch. For others, a simple change of thoughts takes a second. For me, sometimes it takes literally hours to get past. How then do you deal with all of these symptoms and get on with the other things in life as well?

At times you think about life, your life and others' lives. Will you always have this? My therapist says no. But still being human you wonder. Sometimes the symptoms get so bad I just fall down and cry in frustration. Others don't have time or seem to care at all about this. In some f****d up disfunctional families we just don't talk about s**t like this. Ok, I'll go elsewhere.

I don't want to feel royally f****d over forever because of PTSD. Still, the symptoms get so bad that I just scream and punch out anything close by. I get in my car and punch out my dashboard. I get out of my car and EVERY m****rf*****g time I have to focus and fight HARD to not lose feeling in my legs. The physical flashbacks still hit hard and are a real bitch to fight. I know that I'm not really getting raped in the ass again. But the body doesn't realize that.

I really wish I could have just ONE day with no symptoms.

We're Not Just Stats

NOTE: This blog contains graphic language and "triggers" (things that may upset various PTSD survivors). If this bothers you please stop reading. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.

Happy Monday. Seems like the whole world is on vacation except me :). But also with Iraq and Afghanistan still going on, nobody's thinking about the overall picture. Over a million civilians killed, two million are in exile. And the horrible effects of PTSD are on an unimaginable scale.

You have to remember; when trauma happens to you ONLY once, it affects you forever. If you're a little kid it's even worse because their bodies and neural connections are still growing. I've had it for 35 years. And I wonder if I'll ever get past this.

The health care system in the States doesn't care about treating people with PTSD. Yes there are lots of other conditions that need treatment as well. But with PTSD, many doctors and therapists either don't have the proper training or they think it's a dodge. They can't be bothered with it.

What does that do for people who really need help? How would you feel if you treated as just a number that politicians use to win elections? Or the media uses as a sound bite? I find that most people can't be bothered with dealing with this. But then some say it's YOUR fault. So YOU fix it. How f****d up is that?

I wonder when people will wake up to this?

Time to Catch Up

NOTE: This blog contains graphic language and occasional PTSD "triggers"(things that could potentially trigger a survivor's symptoms). If this bothers you then please stop reading. Otherwise thanks and continue.

Sorry for the break. It's been busy with a lot of stuff. EMDR/cognitive session, looking for the new job. Dealing with brutal PTSD symptoms (hyper and hypoarousal, dissociating, physical flashbacks and more). And it's a rough cycle to deal with.

Lately hyperarousal is really nasty in the morning. I end up screaming and fighting to wake up and focus. After that hypoarousal and the other stuff kicks in. My therapist says that unfortunately it's going to get worse before it gets better. Big surprise :)? If I go out into a crowded place everything is magnified X100. Every sound, sight, phrase and noise makes me think, am I going to be jumped? What do I do? I'm really fighting dissociating hard because if I don't, I feel like I'm going to disappear. Time gets altered and you feel like you're watching outside your own body (common PTSD symptoms).

I still have A LOT OF ANGER at various people that treated me like s**t. The physical flashbacks of being raped again still come at the worst times. It's really scary when you're in a crowded place and this happens. You try to ground yourself and say, I'm safe. This isn't real. But sometimes no matter how hard you try this it doesn't work. And if there's no place to temporarily escape, what do you do then?

Hyper-sharp intuition is a common thing for survivors to have. My prediction percentage isn't perfect. But it has gotten better. Sometimes I listen to someone talk and it's like a movie with subititles. I hear words but emotionally it's different. And if somebody's trying to screw me over for whatever reason I have to fight the urge to say DON'T WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR S**T!

Triggers are everywhere and I have to constantly edit everything so they don't mess the day up. I keep thinking, am I ALWAYS going to have this? Sometimes people ask me about the m****rf****r that raped me. What would you do if you saw him again?

I'd tie him up in a chair and bring in a gun (unloaded, but he doesn't know that). I'd make him f*****g beg for his life. I'd push him as far as possible. Then, when he thought that he was going to die I'd make him beg for his life. Then I'd say sorry and stick the gun in his mouth. Just for that split second of f*****g terror MAYBE he'd come close to feeling a LITTLE of the 35 years of s**t I've gone and continue to go thru.

Very Rough TIme

Today's been a REAL BATTLE. Got practically no sleep last night which made all my PTSD symptoms flare up. Then EVERYTHING took a HUGE amount of energy. my fight-or-flight response is still stuck and that really slows things down. A small action (like don't listen or do that) takes forever to get thru.

My fears are hard to handle at times. The PTSD was so bad that it royally f****d me out of a lot of important things that most people take for granted. Your senior prom. Lots of hot relationships. Not getting left behind others (in personal and business things). The PTSD makes you feel like you're watching your body from the outside. You know that something's wrong. But no matter how hard you try nobody listens to you and nobody cares. Then sometimes you think; will it always be like this? Am I always going to be cheated out of what's important to me and what makes me happy? Then if you try to share your concern with someone else the response is f**k off. Nobody gives a s**t about you. You see people (family, maybe some friends) that you think will be there for you. But it doesn't happen. And then you feel like, do I have a family at all? Am I a f*****g orphan in the world?

My therapist says that because your PTSD has been so severe, now you have the flip side of it. Sometimes the anger and stress is so bad I worry. Am I going to snap? It's like Jack Nicholsen walking down the street in "The Last Detail." F*************************K!!!!!!!!! Am I going to disappear and then one of my multiples (or maybe more than one?) will take over? I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. In the morning I scream and try to force myself to fight thru the hyperarousal. Then later when I finally feel awake the hypoarousal starts. And it's like an endless cycle. I still have the physical flashbacks of getting b**t f****d in the ass over and over. And nobody is there to help and nobody gives a s**t. What if I get raped AND killed? Would you THEN give a shit?

Am I always going to have to have multiple personality conference meetings? It helps but after a certain point you have to say enough. But in the meantime if you try to talk about it to others (family or a handful of friends) nobody has patience for it. It freaks me out. So just shut up. I'm f*****g dying here and have freaking horrible P**D! I need help! But nobody cares because it's YOUR fault. You f****d up. So goddamnit fix it! Don't expect any sympathy from me for your freaky pathetic s**t. I don't have the time or patience for it. So f**k off.

Sometimes I just sit and cry because I don't know what else to do.

Let's Talk About EMDR

Sorry to be away for a while. Busy with the new job search, dealing with PTSD symptoms and not letting my fears get to me. Hyper and hypoarousal are still big problems. I'm almost 3 weeks into the gluten free diet. It's helped some. But adrenalin surges are still a problem at the worst times.

But as promised a long time ago let's talk about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). There's a lot of ignorance about this and lack of effort from those qualified to do this. So let's clear this up.

In basic terms, EMDR is a way to release trauma (energy) that is trapped in different parts of your brain and body. This can be misdiagnosed as many different things. Over many years I was labeled as having everything from Tourette's to MS to schitzophrenia and more. It can also cause problems because you can feel like you're losing control over your body. You literally can lose feeling in different parts and feel like you're body is disappearing. My therapist recently told me that he's amazed that despite my horrible PTSD and the symptoms I have I'm still here.

When EMDR is used the therapist uses a light strip (think a strip of runway lights) in stages to talk about different areas of your trauma. It's not a drug trip or sinister in any way. Instead your following the light patterns with your eyes can help to begin to release the trauma. Is it an instant cure? No. How long does EMDR therapy take? It depends on how severe the trauma is.

I've been using it and cognitive (talk) therapy for almost three months now. Has it helped? In some ways yes. I'm starting to have a better understanding of overall how horrible PTSD and being raped repeatedly was. But once you stop avoiding years of trauma and abuse then suddenly the opposite happens. Now it's terrifying to not feel like you want to punch out everyone you meet. Everyday it's hyperarousal, hypoarousal and constant fighting to not feel like you're losing control of your body. Will I ever get over this? At times I'm not sure.

It's really sad that there's still a big therapist bias against using EMDR in many places. In my area I had to go thru 5 or 6 different people before I finally found someone who's EMDR qualified AND who actually listens to you. The others don't have the certification and can't be bothered with insurance hassles. Meanwhile before I found my current therapist I was battling all this stuff every day. Here in the States the government and some therapists only connect PTSD with vets. While they have a real PTSD problem there are many others who have it too. One estimate says that up to 60% of the U.S. population has PTSD, but either doesn't know it or refuses to deal with it. Also, with all the holistic things I do for my health, I STILL can't get health insurance from the major carriers because of "pre-existing" conditions WHICH I NO LONGER HAVE. So I'm being punished for being pro-active in my health care. Which you WOULD think would help to save money and improve the system overall. But the opposite is true.

I'm scared to go to sleep at night. If I'm lucky to get any sleep at all the nightmares happen. The flashbacks of being raped again come back. And then the next day the cycle keeps on going.

What Comes From Having PTSD?

When you have any condition like PTSD, keep in mind a few things. Everyone is diagnosed at different times. Everyone heals at different rates and has their own unique problems to deal with.

Now the opposite. Is it possible to have anything positive come out of PTSD? Some people say that it can help you to have better empathy for others. Frankly I can think of better ways to develop it. But one interesting thing that happens is that many survivors find that they have a much sharper psychic ability.

Don't worry about labels like psychic, medium, etc. Instead keep in mind that this is a documented thing that happens to many people. Why does it happen? Some theories say that the shock to your system overall makes you more aware. Others say that everybody has basic psychic ability. And as a result of healing from PTSD this increased empathy makes your psychic ability stronger.

At times this has been a blessing and a burden. I find that at times I'm listening to someone talk and I'm tuned in to what they're really thinking. So if it's several people at the same time it's like trying to watch 3 or 4 TV channels at the same time. At that point you just have to stop and work on shutting it off. I'm getting a little better at it.

Again, I don't worry about why it happens. Instead it's another thing to try and live with.

More Than Just Going Thru the Motions?

These days hypo and hyperarousal are still bad. You try to get enough sleep at night, eat right, exercise and do all the right things. And then every morning you have to scream and jump out of bed to wake up. Then later the opposite happens (hypoarousal). Everything is a big battle.

And a big part of it right now is balancing PTSD recovery with finding the new job and more. I want to move this fall for better opportunities overall. And with no dissociating there's lots of fear. One of my biggest is that having horrible PTSD for so long totally robbed me of any chance of doing what I'd like to do. I know that it hasn't reached that point yet. But there's the rational side of you and then there's the emotional side as well.

I've been homeless twice due to PTSD and will never be again. I hope it doesn't come down to selling everything and just going. I've done that twice before, and both times I found a new job. So I KNOW that I can do that. But both of those jobs were worse than the previous ones. Which naturally made PTSD even worse.

Now it feels like it's always something to deal with. The anger is still there at feeling ripped off and treated like s**t for so long. Then there's the collective grief from me and the other 25 multiple personalities. I go thru the motions but at times feel really empty. And I'm scared sometimes that it will always be like this?

How Do You Cope?

Back to a tough morning. Really bad hyperarousal and now hypoarousal. Everything feels like a struggle. There's dissociating that's hard to fight and it just feels like a huge drain.

Sometimes I'm really scared. Are you scarred for life if you have severe PTSD? One minute you feel like you can concentrate. Then suddenly dissociating starts and trying to ground yourself again doesn't work. What do you do now? You're trying to have a good day and actually get things done. But then this happens and it takes an hour to focus again. Or maybe you go out somewhere and you have to turn back and go home because dissociating is so bad. You'd like just one day when you can be free of all this s**t. But I wonder if that will ever happen?

Finally a Break?

First day of summer and things are acutally a little better for a change. Still have all the usual PTSD problems. But there's a little less feeling of being burned out? Hope this lasts for a while.

Not Sure What To Do

Everything feels really empty today. Still have all the PTSD problems (dissociating, flashbacks, nightmares, adrenalin surges). But it's like you're just there and there's nothing. You're not sure what to do or what to say. We'll see what happens.

How Do You Shake This?

It's a real struggle today. Got no sleep at all last night. And today it's like NOBODY has gluten free food. If health food is good for you then why is it twice as expensive? Still haven't figured it out.

Everything really feels raw today. Last night I thought about some old relationships. Many either didn't want to listen or try to understand about PTSD. When I meet sombody new I still have a tendency to have my fears get to me. Will they understand when the time is right to talk about PTSD? Maybe that's jumping the gun. Then again based on past experience that's hard to keep in mind to not worry.

Also had lots of nightmares last night about being raped. You're trapped like a f*****g animal and have nowhere to run to. And then you wonder, if I get killed will anybody care? Hopefully now that will never happen. But when it does happen to you that terror never goes away.

Raw PTSD Stuff

NOTE: This blog contains strong language and various PTSD triggers that could be harmful to PTSD victims/survivors. If these bother you please stop reading now. Otherwise keep going and thanks for your support. Email to ptsdsurvivor@yahoo.com

It's almost one week into the new gluten-free diet. Has it helped some with PTSD symptoms (dissociating, adrenalin surges and others)? Somewhat. But the bad part is if you don't dissociate then you literally feel like what is there?

You're always on guard and feel like something's just around the corner. Something is going to happen to f**k up any feeling of happiness you may have that particular day. Maybe you're thinking, but no dissociating is a good thing. Why is that hard to handle? It's tough because imagine it's a survival tool that you use 24/7 for 35 years. Every single day is a non-stop battle to deal with this and somehow get thru the day. You lose job, relationships, and people give you non-stop s**t. And what's worse? One, many of these people laugh in your face and just don't f*****g care. Two, after a period of time it becomes second nature (does that make sense?).

Then suddenly you start the proper therapy, diet and overall routine to help yourself heal. Suddenly that "security" is gone. And then you think, what do I do now? Every day there's terror and a feeling that something's going to happen. Something's going to f**k this up. And then what do you do when you literally feel like there's nothing?

Yesterday I was thinking about finding the new job, moving on and more. I thought, what if I just go? Scan all the important stuff into my PC, sell the rest, pack up my car and just drive? Where would I go? I've been homeless twice and done my time in business hotels, temporary apartments I had to lie to get into, crashing at friend's places, etc. If you go and you find a new place that's one thing. But experience has shown what if you don't? Where do I go then? And NOT feel like PTSD has totally f****d up any chance of doing what I want to do.

My therapist says that over time you move past this. But sometimes I really wonder....

Trying to Keep a Balance

It's Day 2 of the gluten-free diet. It's weird not having anything with wheat (among other things). But if it will help deal better with PTSD symptoms it's worth it.

Lots of pressures at the moment. PTSD, looking for a better job, wanting to move onto better opportunities. And lots of anger at various people that treated me like s**t. My therapist says that eventually you'll heal past that. But that's really hard to remember right now.

Good news. Feel free to email me with comments, questions, etc. However, all email with attachments will be deleted. Hope you understand. ptsdsurvivor@yahoo.com .

Started the Gluten Free Diet Today

NOTE: This blog contains strong language and possible PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) triggers. If this bothers you stop reading now. Otherwise keep going and thanks for your support.

Went to another session today. More soon about what EMDR is: the myths, truths and the ignorance of some therapists who can't or won't use it. My therapist and I talked a lot about feeling beaten down all your life. Ongoing rapes. Trying to get help. No one has time to listen or help. Eventually you feel like you never had a family or real friends. Some people then use various drugs and other ways to try and cope. Fortunately for me I'm now drug free. The bad part? You have nothing to hide behind now.

I thought about going to get gluten blood tests done for Celiac Disease. I talked to some people online and did some research. To really get an accurate answer you need 5 tests and not one. Can't afford that, the doctor's appointments, the biopsy of your small intestine, etc. So instead I started the diet today. I'll do it for two weeks and see how I feel. Either I'll feel great and keep going with it. Or I'll stop and go back.

At the moment I'm thinking I'd keep going. There's some research that says gluten can aggrevate PTSD symptoms. What are some symptoms that it can't alleveate? The flashbacks to being raped. The humiliation of being treated like a f*****g piece of meat. Then while the sick m****rf****r who raped you kicks back after getting his rocks off you wonder what will happen to me? If this happens to you when you're a little kid, it only takes one time to permenantly scar you (both physically and mentally). Yes later on you can go through various therapy and learn some nice little coping mechanisms that may at times help you a little. But you NEVER EVER forget the abuse AND how literally everyone around you says it's YOUR fault so just go away. Don't be so f*****g sensitive. You're f*****g driving me crazy. Nobody gives a shit about what you think or what you feel. JUST SHUT THE F**K UP! Ok, so I'll just go away and won't disrupt your nice ever-so-busy life then? It's your fault AND you're not allowed to be a normal human being with perfectly normal feelings, fears and concerns.

I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive these assholes.

What Makes PTSD Even Worse

I made an important decision today. Tomorrow I'm going to see my holistic doctor about getting some blood tests done to check for Celiac disease. That's when you have no tolerance for gluten. Where do you find gluten? In anything with these ingredients:

wheat, wheat germ, bran, durum flour, all-purpose flour, white or wheat flour, graham flour, wheat starch, farina, wheat-based semolina, spelt

rye

triticale

barley, bulgar, couscous, or millet

malt or malt flavoring (NO BEER!)

hydrolyzed vegetable or plant protein

gluten stabilizers found in prepared meats like hot dogs and others.

What are some common symptoms?:

gas, abdominal bloating and pain

weight loss or gain

fatigue

bone or joint pain

headaches

nerve damage (tingling or numbness)

muscle pain or cramps

heartburn or reflux disease

tooth discoloration or loss of enamel

Many people believe that severe long-term stress (like PTSD) can bring out Celiac disease. I have at least half of the above symptoms. So after the blood tests either I don't. Or I do which will REALLY piss me off. Sexual abuse, verbal and physical abuse, alcoholism, PTSD. And now MAYBE Celiac disease too? I've asked various doctors, nutritionists and others about the effects of long-term stress on your body. Right now there's no scientific proof that this will make you more suceptable to cancer and other diseases (although you would think that it could). With Celiac disease, several sources say that severe stress could come out because you're genetically pre-disposed for it.

Right now I feel really robbed by being bombarded with all of this stuff. I don't want to feel like all this has cheated me out of a chance to do what I really want. The logical part of me knows that's not true. But sometimes the emotional side has trouble with that.

Permenantly Scarred Or Not?

For long-term PTSD sufferers one fear never goes away. Will I always have this? I hear many people who don't have PTSD say everybody is responsible for your own health. In a perfect world, yes. But what happens when you try to do the right thing for your health. And everywhere you turn nobody listens to you. Or, you're penalized by not being able to get decent AFFORDABLE health insurance. And no pre-existing conditions.

Not all but many therapists either don't have the proper PTSD training. OR they just don't care about it. You think you have it and try to get help. When you can finally reach someone maybe they don't listen or don't care. For 20 years I looked for the right person to help me. Along the way I was misdiagnosed, overmedicated and told to just shut up.

Finally I realized that while I was a sober alcoholic I was strung out on 4 prescription meds. I tried every 30-day program I could find. But again no one would help me. So finally I said f**k it. I'll do it myself. I came up with a 30-day withdrawl plan and did it. It was the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. Imagine going thru this, severe PTSD, looking for a new job, family s**t and on and on. But remember, you're on your own. Nobody wants to deal with you.

Fortunately now I'm drug free. However I still have PTSD (and maybe always will). If you want to get help, any therapy session for PTSD is considered "basic therapy." If you do anything else (holistic diet, exercise, acupuncture, etc.), that's NOT covered by insurance. Now to the rest of the civilized world that has national health care this is allowed. But in the U.S. greed and huge profits say otherwise. The rest of you are on your own

How Do You Survive PTSD?

NOTE: This blog contains strong language and potential triggers for anyone with PTSD. If this bothers you, stop reading. Otherwise keep going and thanks.

Sometimes my therapist and I talk about surviving and healing from PTSD. There is no perfect cure. Everybody's different and heals at different rates. However that's hard to keep in mind at the worst times.

If you have long-term severe abuse, you'll probably develop multiple personalities. Remember that PTSD is NOT schitzophrenia. Instead it's a survival mechanism that looks strange to the untrained eye.

Right now I have 25 personalities. I'm having meetings with them so everybody can talk and start to heal. Like any meeting it's a mix: shy, aggressive, questioning, curious and others. I try to reassure everybody that this is the right approach. But understandably they argue. Why should we believe that? These people treated us like s**t for years. Why the f***k should we trust them now? I try and listen and convince them that this will be ok. But many times it's a endless fight.

Imagine you try to wake up and you have hyperarousal. A million thoughts are running thru your mind and you have to fight to focus. Then it takes a couple of hours before you can concentrate and not dissociate. After that hypoarousal and more dissociating start. Every small action is a huge battle. Your fight-or-flight response is stuck. On top of that some personalities are battling for control. You feel like you're losing control of your body. You're shape shifting in some bad sc-fi movie. How do you walk from your front door to your car? You think you'll disappear. If the adrenalin surges and dissociating are really bad, you feel like you can't walk. You feel like your body will shut down.

If you're in a crowded place or driving, what do you do then? It's like a bad alcoholic blackout. You disappear and then when you come back you have no clue. Where am I? What did I do? What did I say? Did anybody see me?

I've had this routine 24/7 for 35 years. And most people don't understand and don't want to understand. Instead it's your fault. You're "handicapped." Just shut up and go away. You try to tell them you're not. You know something's wrong but you're not sure exactly what it is. It took me 20 years to finally find the right therapist. Still, if people find out who I am my life will still be severly messed up. So then why write this blog? I guess one answer is that I (and other PTSD sufferers) are sick of being treated like s**t. Repeatedly being raped is not something that you ask for or enjoy. Dissociating, adrenalin surges, flashbacks and nightmares are things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

That's the ulgy truth about PTSD. Most people don't have time to listen to you and don't care. Instead it's go away. Or, I'll use you as a political football to help me get elected. I don't understand how this works. So odds are our viewers/listeners won't either. So just go away.
If I'm wrong, prove that I am and I'll apologize. Until then that's the ulgy truth.

Weekend Dissociating

A very frustrating weekend. You're ready to go out someplace. You get in your car and start driving over. But along the way dissociating kicks in and it's hard to concentrate. So you have to pull over somewhere or maybe even go back home and start all over. Someday it would be nice to have one day where you could concentrate and just enjoy the day. One of the big frustrations of having severe PTSD.

Back to Sadness

It's Friday and almost the weekend. So why so sad today again? Everything is a huge effort to do. I have another session today. Maybe my therapist has an explanation? We'll see.

In the meantime feel free to link here and please spread the word about this blog to anyone you think might benefit from it. Thanks.

Some Relief for a Change

Feels like my multiples are taking a break today. Hypo and hyperarousal today (along with the usual dissociating). But now there's more of a f**k no, I'm NOT going to dissociate and hide all day. No gurantee that I still won't do that. But my next session is tomorrow. So we'll see how it goes.

Today A Mixed Bag

Finally a little relief for a change from really bad dissociating. Catching up on my sleep helped some. But other stuff still makes things really difficult. SEVERE anger at various people that you thought would be there for you. But instead can't be bothered with you and just say, it's YOUR fault. So go away. It makes it difficult to trust people many times. But one good thing: I will NEVER end up like these a******s that treated me like s**t.

You can't go back and change what's happened. On the other hand the reality of how severe PTSD has been is a real burden. Other survivors say that you will get thru it all. But in the middle of a bad day that's hard to keep in mind.

Dissociating and Multiples

One basic rule to remember with PTSD is this. The more severe the initial trauma, the more dissociating you'll do to compensate. When most people hear PTSD, what's the first thing they think of? Rambo, vets who will go postal and blow away lots of people, etc. Instead, a large majority of the population is at risk for either getting or suffering with PTSD for many many years. PTSD cane come from sexual, physical OR verbal abuse as well. Unfortunately in the States most people think of abuse as physical. They don't stop and think about the devestating effect that verbal can have. And how the combination of these is one of the worst things a PTSD victim/survivor can deal with.

Let's clear up a big misconception. When trauma is severe and ongoing you'll dissociate to try and cope. If the trauma is really severe you'll develop multiple personalities. This is NOT schitzophrenia. That's a physical illness. Instead multiple personalities in PTSD are a way for your mind to cope with what's happening. When multiples develop (and if you're lucky) this combination will help you to somehow cope. The bad part happens when you finally realize that it's PTSD and you try to get the proper help. Most people at this point try to get all the personalities to work together so the person can function day-to-day. Can you re-intergrate all of these personalities? Yes you can. But it takes a long time and might involve a mix of treatments (EMDR, cognitive and medication). More on this later.

In my case I had ongoing sexual, verbal and some physical abuse all together. Right now I have about 25 multiple personalities that fight for attention. I try to get them to listen to me and understand that, yes what happened was horrible. But if we don't work together we can't survive.

Who are these? The little kid, the cynical one, the shy one and others who I still don't know that much about yet. It's hard to explain. You're aware of 25 different voices in your head all competing for attention. Imagine a board meeting that has the usual mix of personalities. Arguments and various other stuff happens while you try to keep some control. But many times that doesn't work well.

Last night was really rough. Lots of dissociating and many times I felt like my body wasn't there. You try to stay in control but you feel like you're going to disappear. You want to enjoy a nice sunny day. But then you start to dissociate and feel like you need to hide. But what if you're in a crowded place and there's nowhere to go? What if you're driving from home to somewhere and you have to turn around and go back again because you can't concentrate? These are some of the everyday things that many PTSD sufferers deal with all the time. Unfortunately many politicians are using these people are political pawns and really have no freaking clue about it at all. You want to stand up and explain. But if you do most people don't want to listen. If you're not a celebrity and you go public this could have serious consequences. So what do you do?

Dissociating

Right now dissociating is a HUGE problem. In the morning I wake up and have hyperarousal. Your mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts mixed up. Then it's a real battle to wake up and focus on where you are. Once you get past that then the opposite (hypoarousal) starts. You have no energy, can't focus and everything takes a huge effort.

Along with that dissociating is still a real problem. People with severe dissociating have lots of symptoms:

you can't focus
no energy
triggers can aggrevate dissociating. Triggers can be anything: sounds, colors, key words or phrases, music.
adrenalin surges. Severe trauma is trapped energy in your body. The longer PTSD continues untreated the more this energy surges in your body with no relief. How do you deal with this? Diet, exercise and more sleep are some good starters. Then again it depends on the severity of the original trauma.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to disappear. I'll dissociate and then have no idea where I am or what's happened. You try to avoid triggers and do all the right things. It's a nice day and this s**t feels endless. What do I have to do to have some peace for a change?

PTSD FAQ

Whether you've been diagnosed with PTSD or just want to know more, learning the basics can
be technical and overwhelming. Here's an explanation of some basic terms to hopefully make this easier?

Is PTSD a disease?- Most therapists who are informed about PTSD say no. It's a condition that's a natural response to severe trauma: a combat situation, rape, seeing a murder, etc. Better to realize that you have a problem and get help.

What exactly happens with PTSD?- When some trauma happens its too much to cope with. So the mind disconnects or "dissociates". The mind and the body are interconnected in many ways. There are different types of dissociation:

The dissociation continuum
everyday dissociation
depersonalisation disorder
dissociative amnesia
dissociative fugue
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (DDNOS)
dissociative identity disorder (DID)

Depersonalisation disorder-This features strong feelings that you are detached from your body, or that your body is unreal. A person may also experience mild to moderate derealisation and mild identity confusion.

Dissociative amnesia-An inability to remember significant personal information or particular periods of time, which can’t be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. People may also experience mild to moderate depersonalisation, derealisation and identity confusion.

Dissociative fugue-A person travels to a new location during a temporary loss of identity. He or she may assume a different identity and a new life. There is severe amnesia, with moderate to severe identity confusion and often identity alteration.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)Post-traumatic stress disorder is not currently classed as a dissociative disorder, but people who experience dissociative distress frequently also meet diagnostic criteria for PTSD. They may experience flashbacks, reliving the trauma repeatedly, which cause extreme distress. This, in turn, triggers a dissociative, numbing reaction. Moderate to severe amnesia is common to both PTSD and dissociative disorders, as is derealisation and depersonalisation.

Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (DDNOS)In DDNOS, each of the five types of dissociation may occur, but the pattern of mix and severity does not fit any of the other dissociative disorders.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID)This is the most complex dissociative disorder. It’s also known as multiple personality disorder (MPD) according to the ICD10, the British diagnostic manual. This has given rise to the idea that this is a personality disorder, although it is not. Its defining feature is severe identity alteration. Someone with DID experiences these shifts of identity as separate personalities. Each identity may assume control of behaviour and thoughts at different times. Each has a distinctive pattern of thinking and relating to the world. Severe amnesia means that one identity may have no awareness of what happens when another identity is in control. The amnesia can be one-way or two-way. Identity confusion is usually moderate to severe. It also includes severe depersonalisation and derealisation.

Why is PTSD still not being treated effectively if its so widespread?- Lots of reasons. Not all but many therapists don't receive the proper training. Many who do don't accept all the aspects of PTSD (ESPECIALLY dissociation). And people close to victims don't want to deal with what happened.

Can you recover from PTSD?- It depends on the trauma and when you start to get the proper help. Unfortunately for many people there's self-denial which can mean that symptoms can continue for many years. Once you start to get the proper help, there's no magic solution. Everyone's different.

Hope this helps to explain and to understand PTSD.

THE DISCLAIMER STUFF

Unfortunately on every blog there's always some confusion about what's ok to post and what isn't. So to help clear this up, here are some rules to follow:

Keep in mind that talking about PTSD and related issues is like walking a tightrope. You want to be open and honest to be able to start healing. But you also have to be aware of the potential effect of your words on other survivors. Everybody has a different story and is at a different point in healing. The point here is, make what you say count overall.

PTSD is not a curse, a plague or something that you ask for. It's never somebody's fault. Instead, it's a coping mechanism that everyone has that's designed to help them survive. Please keep that in mind.

ANY AND ALL RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC OR ABUSIVE CONTENT WILL BE DELETED. THEN YOU'LL BE DELETED TOO.

Since I am in charge, I reserve the right to edit and delete where necessary. That being said, I'd really prefer to let people post and not have to police here 24/7. But the reality is it has to be done. You help me and I'll help you.

Have a nice day :).

Let's Talk

HI and welcome to the first of what I hope is many posts. I've looked all over the Net. And I have yet to find a central blog where PTSD victims/survivors worldwide can meet and talk freely. In my experience, most people don't know what PTSD means, are too busy to stop and think about it. And just don't care. It's the old out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing. So here's to hoping that this will in some small way help to change things. This blog will contain strong language and maybe controversial ideas to some people. But that's all right. The idea to be open, honest and then from that you start to heal.

A little about me. I've had severe PTSD for 35 years (due to ongoing childhood sexual abuse). I've lost jobs, relationships and friends. My family has disowned me because I'm "handicapped" and they can't be bothered with weird and freaky s**t from me. And, it's YOUR fault. Nobody gives a f**k about your thoughts, feelings, ideas and concerns. Don't be so f*****g sensitive. You'll never survive.

Oh, ok. So it's my fault. Getting repeatedly raped is fun. It's what I asked for. So now just go away and deal with it? I feel like my family is long gone. The rare times when we have really superficial "conversations", it always leaves me thinking, why did I just waste ten minutes on the phone with this person? The truth is it'll never change. Call it stupid f*****g pride or whatever. But as for me, my days as being the family peacmaker are over. So now you no longer have the right to tell me it's my fault and then say, sleezy ungrateful bastard son. After all the s**t we've done for you. This is how you show respect? YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME. If you can't at least fake basic respect for me as a human being (if nothing else), then f**k off. I have better things to do with my time.

This blog is for any and all PTSD victims/survivors. Anybody is free to link to this site, post comments, etc. Now, PLEAE READ THIS: Be aware and respectful of others on this blog. You ARE responsible for what you write.

More later on,
jpnhito